Everyone is Wrong About Blankets With Sleeves

by Katie

I owe a lot of people apologies.

First, let me apologize to the inventor of the blanket with sleeves: you are not a creatively stifled failure at basic rectangle cutting. Nor are you a design hack making excuses for a fortuitous sewing mishap.

"Baby, where we're going, it's all slankets, all the time."

To the distributors: you may not be money-grubbing recession opportunists who will push any shit product on 1-800 numbers, with low-budget commercials showing TV-ugly people who are too stupid to handle standard blankets grinning complacently in their besleeved monstrosities.

So cozy.

To the purchasers: my brothers and sisters! You are at the forefront of blanket technology. Remember how people said vaccines and the Internet would never catch on? They are saying the same damn thing about blankets with sleeves! But you pioneers have known all along: blankets make you warm. Emerging from your fleecy cocoon to pee or read a book makes you less warm. WEARING A BLANKET FOREVER WILL MAKE YOU WARM FOREVER.

Seriously, I would wear it to work if my office mate didn’t keep cranking the heat after I left every day.

I apologize for calling you lazy and fashion-rondo. You are masters of function and economy. Seriously, I would also turn the heat down in my house if I lived alone or didn’t care about other people. I’ve had roommates I would have done this to in the past, so I hope my housemates and basement neighbors appreciate what a sweetheart I am.

And finally, I deeply, sincerely apologize to all of you for thinking that I knew better. My blanket with sleeves has changed my life. I am a (physically, not emotionally) warmer person because of it.