The 3 Most Useless Characters in “West Side Story”

by Katie

“West Side Story” is arguably the most musical version of Romeo and Juliet ever made, and to pretend that I don’t love it more than I love some members of my extended family would be disingenuous. But after watching it for the 400th time this weekend on PBS (in lieu of seeing Olivia Mancini at the Black Cat) I finally realized that some of the characters are, frankly, utter wastes of dialogue. Join me in griping about their uselessness, and then trying to think up more interesting alternative characters!

#3: A-rab

Who? EXACTLY. A-rab is one of the Jets who actually has a name, which might suggest to you that his character actually serves to advance the plot somehow. Not so! He mostly dances and sometimes says things like, “Cracko jacko! Down goes a teenage hoodlum!”

Replace him with:

A potato! Look at how cute that is. Also, a good source of iron, fiber, and folic acid.

#2: Doc

Surely Doc has some Shakesperean equivalent who expresses thoughts more profound than, “I have no mind. I’m the village idiot!” As Tony’s boss and the hapless proprietor of gang meetingplace Doc’s Store, Doc mostly expresses the general outrage and sadness already felt by the audience. Everything Doc says is so obvious, it’s redundant.

Replace him with:

A puppy! They can express those monosyllabic emotions in a much cuter way.

Mad:

Glad:

Sad:

#1: MARIA

I’ve never seen grown-up Natalie Wood in anything else, so it’s possible that she actually can act, but I won’t put money on it.

Here are some more surprises: 1) She’s not singing! Like that little girl at the Olympics, she is totally lip synching to someone  better’s voice. 2.)She’s not Puerto Rican! I know, I know, it’s hard to believe. Her accent is as convincing as her singing. Even in a movie about race relations, they cast a pretty white girl to play the innocent soprano, and a dark-skinned Puerto Rican as the lusty alto. Teh point: ur missin it. 3) She’s a pretty awkward dancer.

But Wood’s lack of qualifications for the role aside, her acting is wooden and unemotive. Is that a word? It is now! Maria is a pretty girl in the middle of a race war, but virtually unfazed by it. She’s happy enough being Puerto Rican, but falls for an American, and reckons that she can convince everyone that interracial relationships in the 50s are totally cool. No one tries to rape her, or even calls her a racial slur. She’s weirdly dehumanized: a vapid, grinning prize for the winning gang. She smiles dead, dead smiles and looks wistfully away from the camera when she’s happy, and vaguely frowns when she’s sad, angry, or worried. Following the death of her brother, she punches Tony and screams, “Killer, killer, killer!” Then, um, she has sex with him. When (SPOILER ALERT!) Tony dies, she really stretches herself to put on some crazy eyes and announce that she “has hate” now. I’m not saying I don’t cry every damn time, but I can’t say whether it’s because a) it’s sad, b) Natalie Wood’s acting is that awful, or c) I’m watching West Side Story alone on a Saturday night.

Replace her with:

God, anything! Why not Marquita Rivera, the first Puerto Rican actress to appear in a Hollywood movie? She was probably too old, but look at that hair! That mascara! Also, I understand she could actually sing and dance!

Then again, why not nothing? Surely it would be interesting to see gangs battling over lost youth and nationalistic pride that are not so transparently personified in Maria. Also, Tony the Lonely Schizophrenic is differently tragic when he’s gunned down at the height of his delirium. (Or is the height of his delirium when he sings “Maria?”)

Finally, why not replace Natalie Wood with… ME? I’m an accomplished actress–I received rave reviews for my portrayal of Aunt Misery in my 5th grade class performance of “Aunt Misery and Her Pear Tree,” whose only performance took place the day after I got hit in the face with a softball in gym class. Also, I know all the words to “I Feel Pretty,” I’m not Puerto Rican, and I can’t sing or dance! Hello, Hollywood? I’m ready for the remake!